How to Be a Punk Musician

Well, here we go again; the mad search for a musician to fill the rest of the dates of a show.

Oh, you thought I meant Punk Rock musician? No, I mean a punk, unemployable musician.

Here are the rules:

1. Tell everyone after two shows that you cannot be the bassist for the other four dates because you have another gig booked. You know, the one you booked AFTER you agreed to the dates of THIS show.

2. Keep arriving semi-promptly for rehearsals, but stop preparing on your own time so the band sounds BETTER each week.

3. Immediately upon your arrival for a demo recording session, be sure to ask which songs we are doing for the demo. This is a great way to get a big-eyed, slack-jawed look from the guitarist who heard your question. The same guitarist which leaps between you and the opposite-facing bandleader as if said guitarist can move faster than the speed of sound.

4. (I didn’t hear you, but if I did…)

5. Do not confirm your UNavailability at any point during a gig date discussion. This will require someone to question their memory days later when none of the other bandmates can confirm they heard your nonexistent confirmation. It just makes everything that much more fun.

6. Never reply to emails, texts, or phone messages either.

7. Leave town on the day of the second show for the (your instrument here) competition you entered weeks ago and kept secret until less than an hour before hit time.

8. ‘Hit Time’ is the time we are supposed to start playing; not the time you arrive to set up your 4,000 drums. Which is #8 – having 4,000 drums.

9. Lie about any reason you are canceling your participation in a gig. Unless you are selling your truck and ‘the guy is coming tonight to look at it’; then by all means, tell the truth.

10. Leave your book on the stand and your instrument in the pit every night; especially if you have missed all but one night of tech week. You are just that good.

Engaging in any one of these behaviors should get you fired as well as immediately ruin your reputation.

Assuming you had developed a good reputation previously, Punk.


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